Monday, 12 December 2016

Dear User

Dear user,

You have requested to create a guest account to access our institution database. To facilitate the rapid success of the process, please follow these steps:

1) Produce three paper copies of the forms XF-1045 and XF-1087, fill them and sign them with ultramarine RAL 5002 blue ink. Scan the originals and send them to us. We choose to employ the ambiguous term "us" instead of giving an actual e-mail address, because otherwise somebody would actually have to take responsibility of this.

If you are unsure about how to fill the forms XF-1045 and XF-1087, please see this link for instructions written in a language you do not read.

2) Send the originals in a single envelope to Department of Informatics.

3) Check if Department of Informatics actually exists at this point in space-time after the latest organizational upheaval. If yes, proceed to number 5. If not, proceed to number 4.

4) Send the documents to the department that most closely resembles Department of Informatics. Don't ask. Your guess is as good as ours.

5) Send them again, because we probably lost the first ones.

6) Remind yourself why you are doing all this again.

7) Breed a horde of little green minions to storm the ramparts of the relevant department and deliver the documents personally.

8) नौ साल पहले एक गर्मियों में प्रशिक्षु के एक बुरा शरारत के कारण, इस अंतरिक्ष हिन्दी में पाठ का एक बुरा मशीन अनुवाद से भर जाता है, सचमुच क्योंकि कोई भी पिछले एक दशक में ये निर्देश ठीक करना हो गया है।

9) Wait for Uranus to approach perihelion.

10) Check if you still need access to the database. If yes, proceed to number 1. If not, proceed to number 11.

11) Process completed successfully.